Are You With Me?

My parents spent time telling me to watch out for drugs on the street

but they never warned me about the drugs with brown eyes that rode motorcycles

they never warned me about “soulmates”

Which is something that everyone thinks

Is romantic

And they’re right.

Soulmates are very romantic

But I’m not actually here to tell you about how wonderful they are

I’m here to tell you about the feeling that happens

When you lose them.

And the only people that know

Are the people that know

Because it’s not something you can really explain, but I’ll try.

At this point, we had galaxies between us, but you still needed space

And losing you

was like sitting next to a fire you lit and freezing to death

It was tasting your name on the lips of every person I kissed

It was hearing a song that made me feel like I got superman socked in the gut

It was drinking so much that I was a button away from sending “I love you, I love you, why did you leave?”

It was walking into heaven and being told I couldn’t stay.

The sad part is

That I’m somewhat of a scientist

At least half of one

That was always my specialty, you know?

Biology, anatomy, hard sciences in general

But the startling truth

Was that there was no science that could explain

What was going on between us

There was no physics to explain the undeniable force of attraction

There was no chemistry to explain the feelings that were happening in my brain

And there was no engineering to repair the gaping hole in my chest that you left

When you decided to leave.

And I guess the question I have to ask is

“Are you with me?”

And when I say “are you with me?”

I’m asking

If you’re feeling what I’m feeling.

Are you even capable of the depth of emotion I’m expressing,

Or did math and sciences give you a miracle

Where I could find none?

I was never afraid of ghosts until you left

But now I see you everywhere

And I don’t think it’s a shock to anyone

When I admit that not a day has gone by

Where I haven’t thought of you.

And I know, I know

It’s been 80 days and 11 hours and 16 minutes and 42 seconds

Since you told me that you didn’t want to be with me

But that isn’t even half of the 527 days that I called you mine

And you have to understand

That my heart was never indestructible like yours

I think after running into you,

I realized why storms are named after people.

You flooded my veins like a hurricane,

you shook the foundations of my bones like an earthquake

and you ripped the cobwebs off of my heart like the wuthering winds of a tornado.

And god if you’re going to kill me

Just do it quickly

Because I can’t listen to the ringing of you saying

“I don’t love you anymore” in my head

And it’s making it hard to breathe.

Honestly the thought of you with someone else makes me feel sick

But the thought of you feeling that way for someone else

Makes me feel more than sick

And a part of me just wants to believe that the timing

Of the whole world was off

And that’s why we could never work out

But eventually I had to accept the truth.

You had etched your name into my heart using permanent marker

While I was only doodling on yours with a pencil

And you erased me without a second thought.

And towards the end, my heart no longer fluttered when I saw you,

It just kind of sank

And I had to accept that the sentiment “I love you”

was just a meaningless husk of words

that you spit into the mouth of every girl that made you feel less dead.

The only thing I learned from you

is that hearts aren’t houses that you can call home.

You had the blood of every girl that came before me on your hands when I met you

And I thought I was immune because you loved me,

But the biggest lesson I learned

Was that I was a fool to think that you would not stain your mouth red with my blood too

 

-Blare Tyn


Blare is a linguist and a martial artist. She’s competed in poetry slams for the past year and really enjoys Cap’n Crunch Berries. You can find her poetry here and follow her on Tumblr.

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