My parents spent time telling me to watch out for drugs on the street
but they never warned me about the drugs with brown eyes that rode motorcycles
they never warned me about “soulmates”
Which is something that everyone thinks
And they’re right.
Soulmates are very romantic
But I’m not actually here to tell you about how wonderful they are
I’m here to tell you about the feeling that happens
When you lose them.
And the only people that know
Are the people that know
Because it’s not something you can really explain, but I’ll try.
At this point, we had galaxies between us, but you still needed space
And losing you
was like sitting next to a fire you lit and freezing to death
It was tasting your name on the lips of every person I kissed
It was hearing a song that made me feel like I got superman socked in the gut
It was drinking so much that I was a button away from sending “I love you, I love you, why did you leave?”
It was walking into heaven and being told I couldn’t stay.
The sad part is
That I’m somewhat of a scientist
At least half of one
That was always my specialty, you know?
Biology, anatomy, hard sciences in general
But the startling truth
Was that there was no science that could explain
What was going on between us
There was no physics to explain the undeniable force of attraction
There was no chemistry to explain the feelings that were happening in my brain
And there was no engineering to repair the gaping hole in my chest that you left
When you decided to leave.
And I guess the question I have to ask is
“Are you with me?”
And when I say “are you with me?”
If you’re feeling what I’m feeling.
Are you even capable of the depth of emotion I’m expressing,
Or did math and sciences give you a miracle
Where I could find none?
I was never afraid of ghosts until you left
But now I see you everywhere
And I don’t think it’s a shock to anyone
When I admit that not a day has gone by
Where I haven’t thought of you.
And I know, I know
It’s been 80 days and 11 hours and 16 minutes and 42 seconds
Since you told me that you didn’t want to be with me
But that isn’t even half of the 527 days that I called you mine
And you have to understand
That my heart was never indestructible like yours
I think after running into you,
I realized why storms are named after people.
You flooded my veins like a hurricane,
you shook the foundations of my bones like an earthquake
and you ripped the cobwebs off of my heart like the wuthering winds of a tornado.
And god if you’re going to kill me
Just do it quickly
Because I can’t listen to the ringing of you saying
“I don’t love you anymore” in my head
And it’s making it hard to breathe.
Honestly the thought of you with someone else makes me feel sick
But the thought of you feeling that way for someone else
Makes me feel more than sick
And a part of me just wants to believe that the timing
Of the whole world was off
And that’s why we could never work out
But eventually I had to accept the truth.
You had etched your name into my heart using permanent marker
While I was only doodling on yours with a pencil
And you erased me without a second thought.
And towards the end, my heart no longer fluttered when I saw you,
It just kind of sank
And I had to accept that the sentiment “I love you”
was just a meaningless husk of words
that you spit into the mouth of every girl that made you feel less dead.
The only thing I learned from you
is that hearts aren’t houses that you can call home.
You had the blood of every girl that came before me on your hands when I met you
And I thought I was immune because you loved me,
But the biggest lesson I learned
Was that I was a fool to think that you would not stain your mouth red with my blood too