By Marissa Gonzalez
“Is he gone? Is this truly real?”
“God! What do I do now?”
The day you left I went to the spot where we took our wedding pictures. I lay down in the grass with stretched arms to the side. I was trying to defy time, go back to the happiest day of my life–the day I wed the man of my dreams. I wanted to capture the joy of that day between my arms, hold it against my chest until it seeped into my heart.
“No, I can’t feel that.” “only pain.”
Then it started to rain. I just lay there absorbing it. I think I stayed there about ten minutes allowing the sky’s tears to drench me.
That done, I had no clue what to do next. I went to the place where I cheered you on as you ran the marathon. I was already soaking wet so I just sat down in the spot. It kept raining.
“What do I do now? How do I live without my superhero? He’s the man.”
I stayed there about five minutes. Still not knowing what to do, I went to the next spot. It’s a spot in front of an open parking lot. I got out of the car again and just sat on the lawn. I couldn’t stand the thought of going home to an empty house. I just couldn’t. The man was gone. All that was left were gaping holes where he took his belongings.
Finding no relief there, I moved to the next place. The rain stopped. I imagined us talking to each other, as I drove.
“Dave, I love you.” “ Marissa, I love you too, honey. We’ll be together again someday.”
It was as if we were speaking across the universe.
The last spot was my father’s driveway. I pulled in and his neighbors were there having a good time in the backyard.
“There is nowhere to be alone and collect my thoughts.” “I love him. How will I manage without the man. “
“I like balance after all.”
I suffer a pain and seek comfort in good energy. Me/friends, no. Me–YOU yes. Love, marriage, happiness; yes. Illness, ambition, pain,divorce. Emptiness, look to places where there was fulfillment.
I love the man. I am a woman and together we were man and woman. I am sorry I couldn’t hold it together to be woman enough for who you were and the man you have become.
I love you completely, Dave. Do you really want me to move on. I need balance. I don’t want to look for another man, especially when you are the man to my woman.
The series of pieces in Pink and Cream were written shortly after Marissa’s divorce. She hope it serves as a sign to others that she understands the pain of divorce. Currently, she lives in Cleveland. She spends her time writing and working on her jewelry business