Now and Then

She disappeared for a week.

Waiting for the bruises to fade.

The she disappeared inside herself.  

***

A dark satin ribbon

against her milky white skin.

Up against the crease where

thigh melts into her pelvis,

where no one will see.  

===

WEEKDAYS

Wake up

Breathe

Repeat 
 +   

WORK

hours on the internet

looking up the price of flights

Places she knows she’ll never go.  

Places with names that melt

like spun sugar
 +         

WEEKENDS

sleep that eludes weekdays

falls like a deluge

Sleeping. Ceiling. Netflix. Ceiling. Sleeping. 

@@@

HIM

Pretending it’s normal.

That she is normal.

That nothing has changed.          

_____

THEN

smoky darkness

waterfalls of liquor

a trickle

then a torrent  

a guy, not her guy, watches her

the guy isn’t handsome,

isn’t charming,

isn’t smart;

but what he is,

he thinks…

is here.

blurry face she shouldn’t have kissed

wanting to go home

hands around her throat

streams of silent tears

coursing over her temples

into her hair.

####

HOW

it begins:

A birthday.

Moth emerging

out of a cocoon

of lethargy and apathy.

Lather, rinse, repeat.  

She picks up the razor.  
Back of her knee –

a shifting mountainside

contours and indentations.

The razor slips.

She hisses.

Blood trickles

There it hangs

a Rorschach test

wherein she sees herself.

She smiles.

For the first time in months

^^^^^

NOW

the razor

or pin

or her nails

into her palms

 

This is real,

she thinks.

I made this happened.

 

It’s okay,

she thinks.

I only do it now and then.

–Kylie Goetz

When Kylie was five, she wanted to be either a nun or a lounge singer. Luckily (for the church and lounge patrons everywhere) she discovered a love for storytelling around the same age.  This eventually translated into a B.A in theatre from Florida State University and a MA in creative writing from Macquarie University.  You can buy her book here and follow her Word of the Day Poetry Project

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